Mindless Mom

“If your friends jumped off a bridge would you?”

The words were not even out of my mouth before I was making mental judgement on myself.  Did I really just say that?  And did I really just say that to my 6yr old daughter?  Before I could even back my verbal garbage truck in reverse, my daughter was already answering me.

“No, I wouldn’t jump off a bridge if my friends jumped off a bridge.”

“I mean, I would look first.  If there was cement below the bridge, that would be just stupid.  I wouldn’t jump.  And I would tell my friends not to jump”, she started.

“What if there were crocodiles in the water and it was completely muddy and mucky, mom?  I wouldn’t jump.  That would just be dumb.”

“I mean……if it was like crystal clear water and I could see someone standing and it only came up to their knees, and the bridge wasn’t too high and I could jump in and just be standing in the water, then maybe I would jump.”

“But mom, I’m going to think about it.  I’m not just going to jump.”, she said as she finished off her answer.

Maybe it wasn’t as stupid of a question as I thought.

I was slow-moving in putting away the Christmas decorations this year.  Not that it’s anything abnormal for my house.  I typically slack at this task, partly because it depresses me and partly because I put out so much crap that it’s overwhelming after Santa’s joyride is over.

Tonight I realized our nativity set was still out. My 2yr old played with the figurines, as in LITERALLY played with them EVERY day, throughout the entire holiday season. I guess I started to view the set as one of her toys, versus something I actually had to pack away.

I should mention, the only reason I noticed it was still out was because Jesse was getting a little bit rough with one of the wise men.

cowgirl takes on wise men with Nerf ball

Otherwise, baby Jesus may have been helping us celebrate St. Patty’s Day.

I walked around the corner just as my 5yr old daughter was raising her fist in the air as she glared out the window and declared that “WE MUST BEAT THE SUN!  WE CAN NOT BUILD SNOWMEN IF THIS SUN KEEPS COMING OUT!  WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT A WAY!” 

It was delivered with such passion, that I had to catch my laugh in my throat.

Her 6 yr old sister looked up at her with little interest, tapped her bowl with her spoon and said, “This ice cream is really really good.  You should try it.”

My 5yr old daughter got up, completely deflated by her older sister’s lack of passion, and slowly trudged across the room.  As she passed her 2yr old sister, she turned to her with decreased passion and said, “Do you want to battle the sun with me?”

Her 2yr old sister quickly jumped up on the recliner she was sitting on, which made it obnoxiously rock back and forth and with a double fist pump yelled, “OH YEAH!”, followed by another double fist pump.

My 5yr old’s eyes got wider than silver dollars, as she added with excitement, “Then let’s go figure out a plan to defeat the sun!”

And no, I’m not kidding, she actually used the word “defeat”.

I watched as they trampled up the stairs to their room to conjure ideas about the battle against the big ball of gas in the sky.

Five minutes later, I made my way upstairs to check in on them.  As I poked my head into their room, I watched as they were lining up all their stuffed animals.  I figure it was an army in training.

“How’s that plan coming along?”, I asked.

My 5yr old looked up at me and questioned, “What are you talking about?”

“I thought you were planning an attack on the sun”, I said.

“Oh that…………..you didn’t hear me say anything”, she said as she put her finger up to her lip.

So if you don’t hear from me after reading this story, please keep it for future evidence. 

My 5yr old daughter dramatically called me over and told me that she “had a secret to tell me.”  And she had to be quiet about it because it was a “baaaaaaaad thing” she had to share.  She could only tell me……and then her sister five seconds after me.  And then her dad…..and then her brother…….

I guess I get points for being told first?

She motioned towards me to bend down so that my ear was level with her mouth.  She cupped her hands like a little cartoon character and then whispered into my ear.  All I felt was a lot of warm air.  All I heard was a lot of warm air.  It sounded a lot like the teacher from Charlie Brown.  You know the one, “WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH……..WUH, WUH, WUH.”

I had to ask for clarification of the top secret information of which I was being entrusted.

She lifted herself up onto her tiptoes and practically fell onto me as she clearly whispered, “Today, Ben told me ‘duh’.”  Then she stepped back for dramatic effect, raised her eyebrows higher than her forehead would allow, put her hands on her hips, and gave me her best “Can you believe it?” look I have ever seen.

I physically had to contain my laughter.  My shoulders may have let me down.  But I quickly put on my I-am-so-disappointed-in-the-world face and said, “Why did he say that word to you?”

She stood there, totally exasperated by the entire situation and said with dramatic effect, “Well mom, I told him that it was snack time.  And then he looked at me and said, ‘duh’.”

I didn’t even get a word out before she added, “Can you believe it?”. 

Needless to say, I had read her face right the first time around.

I kept a straight face while I told her that sometimes kids can be silly and that Ben probably hears that word a lot and was just kidding around.

To which she responded, “No duh, mom”, with a flashy smile.

It was then my turn to raise my eyebrows higher than my forehead would allow and then release all the laughter I had been holding in.

Why?  Because that secret was funny, duh!

My 2yr old daughter walked around all night with her head up my 9yr old son’s butt.  Not literally, but close enough that if he let loose at any point, she may have been stunned for a good minute or two. 

Better explained, the two of them played spies for over an hour.  Most of the time was spent with both of them draped under a Star Wars cape with my son announcing that his “butt was getting big” while he dramatically pointed back to his 2yr old tag along giggling underneath.

At one point, he let her pick the places they would hide. 

In typical two year old stealth mode, she wanted to hide “unda the bed” where upon she had about 95% of her body not under the bed.  Spot #2 was behind the curtain with half of her body showing and the other half shaking the curtain from her uncontrollable giggling.  The third spot was back under the Darth Vader costume, where she pleasantly announced that she was hiding “in him’s butt” referring to her sibling special ops team member.  It was a proud parenting moment.

For the rest of the mission, they bounced (literally at times) from bedroom to bedroom with the cape and without.  Forty minutes into their charade, I asked them who they were spying on.  They both looked at me with blank stares and starting laughing……perhaps at me?  I think they both got so busy running, hiding, and laughing, that they forgot what game they were playing.

Not that it mattered, it’s not like they were successfully going under cover at any point during the butt giggling game anyway. 

But as you can see from the image below, while they may not have successfully covered each other’s back……..my boy got back. 

undercover spies

I’ve always said she’s the sneakiest of the bunch.

I put the kids to bed tonight and just as I was about to make my way downstairs, I was stopped in my tracks by a loud automated voice.  At first I thought maybe I’d just set some toy off by walking by it or that I stepped on something.  But then I heard rather clearly, “Choose your level”.

I followed the robotic voice to the room of my 5yr old daughter.  I saw a warm glow coming from the room and heard whispered words from my daughter, “Shhhhhh……..you’re going to get me in trouble.” 

I pushed open the door to find my 5yr old daughter scrambling to hide something under her pillow while pulling her blankets up at the same time.  Only, the dozens of stuffed animals at the end of her bed managed to keep the blankets just below her knees.

With her eyes wide open, she looked at me as if she had no idea why I was in her room.  Then as I got closer to her, she actually had the gumption to fake sleep.  Yes, you read that correctly.  We made direct eye contact………then fake sleeping took place.

She miraculously woke up as I lifted her pillow and gently pulled out her Leapster Explorer handheld game.  I gave her my best look of disappointment.  I’m sure it was as effective as every other day.    

I then gently pulled her blankets up to her chin and tucked her back in.

As I walked out of the room, I heard her mumble, “I need to find out where that sound button is…….”

So yes, now I’m sure of it.  My look of disappointment must be very threatening.

My 2yr old does not handle caffeine well.  Let me rephrase that……DO NOT GIVE MY DAUGHTER CHOCOLATE!  She acts ape crazy after eating it!

Tonight my husband and I were hiding in my 6yr old daughter’s room.

No, I’m not kidding.

All the baths had been given, our bed was being jumped on by a 2yr old, so we ran to the nearest room on the same floor and kicked our feet back as we attempted to retell our day to each other.  We don’t get out that often, but we do make ample attempts to hide from our children.  They just never seem to work out.

Within seconds, our 2yr old Sherlock Holmes found us.  She then proceeded to take advantage of the play kitchen and tea set in the room and opened a pretend coffee shop.

She spent about ten minutes hollering at us to “DWINK YOUS COFFEE”.  If we didn’t drink it fast enough or extend our deepest thanks upon receiving the hot cups, she added some finger pointing and a lot of disappointed head shaking with what sounded like Russian spoken mumblings. 

At one point my husband was laughing so hard he couldn’t muffle it anymore.  That’s when she gave him a stern look with a finger extended out like ET and asked, “YOUS LAUGHIN AT MYS COFFEE POT?”  And before he could defend himself she added, “NO MO COFFEE FO YOU!”.

I quietly added, “and no soup for you”, as I began laughing so hard I nearly feel off the bed.

To which our miniature house chef quickly shifted her feet and her mood, and with a wide smile asked, “Soup?  Yous want soup?  Ok.  I get it for you.  Wait wight there.”

After we graciously polished off our warm cups of soup, we quickly realized we didn’t manage to get a single word of adult conversation in.  That thought cued our remaining three rugrats to make their way into the newly established coffee & soup shop in the house.

Oh well, I guess whether we manage to get out of the house, out of our room, or just dine in……at least we can get coffee soup served hot with a smile.