After being summoned to my 6yr old daughter’s room at 2am, “found” by my 2yr old daughter at 4am, and mauled by my 5yr old daughter by 5am, I slept a sound 2 hours.

Zone Coverage

One word, ugh.

I guess I get points for being told first?

She motioned towards me to bend down so that my ear was level with her mouth.  She cupped her hands like a little cartoon character and then whispered into my ear.  All I felt was a lot of warm air.  All I heard was a lot of warm air.  It sounded a lot like the teacher from Charlie Brown.  You know the one, “WUH, WUH, WUH, WUH……..WUH, WUH, WUH.”

I had to ask for clarification of the top secret information of which I was being entrusted.

She lifted herself up onto her tiptoes and practically fell onto me as she clearly whispered, “Today, Ben told me ‘duh’.”  Then she stepped back for dramatic effect, raised her eyebrows higher than her forehead would allow, put her hands on her hips, and gave me her best “Can you believe it?” look I have ever seen.

I physically had to contain my laughter.  My shoulders may have let me down.  But I quickly put on my I-am-so-disappointed-in-the-world face and said, “Why did he say that word to you?”

She stood there, totally exasperated by the entire situation and said with dramatic effect, “Well mom, I told him that it was snack time.  And then he looked at me and said, ‘duh’.”

I didn’t even get a word out before she added, “Can you believe it?”. 

Needless to say, I had read her face right the first time around.

I kept a straight face while I told her that sometimes kids can be silly and that Ben probably hears that word a lot and was just kidding around.

To which she responded, “No duh, mom”, with a flashy smile.

It was then my turn to raise my eyebrows higher than my forehead would allow and then release all the laughter I had been holding in.

Why?  Because that secret was funny, duh!

Better explained, the two of them played spies for over an hour.  Most of the time was spent with both of them draped under a Star Wars cape with my son announcing that his “butt was getting big” while he dramatically pointed back to his 2yr old tag along giggling underneath.

At one point, he let her pick the places they would hide. 

In typical two year old stealth mode, she wanted to hide “unda the bed” where upon she had about 95% of her body not under the bed.  Spot #2 was behind the curtain with half of her body showing and the other half shaking the curtain from her uncontrollable giggling.  The third spot was back under the Darth Vader costume, where she pleasantly announced that she was hiding “in him’s butt” referring to her sibling special ops team member.  It was a proud parenting moment.

For the rest of the mission, they bounced (literally at times) from bedroom to bedroom with the cape and without.  Forty minutes into their charade, I asked them who they were spying on.  They both looked at me with blank stares and starting laughing……perhaps at me?  I think they both got so busy running, hiding, and laughing, that they forgot what game they were playing.

Not that it mattered, it’s not like they were successfully going under cover at any point during the butt giggling game anyway. 

But as you can see from the image below, while they may not have successfully covered each other’s back……..my boy got back. 

undercover spies

I put the kids to bed tonight and just as I was about to make my way downstairs, I was stopped in my tracks by a loud automated voice.  At first I thought maybe I’d just set some toy off by walking by it or that I stepped on something.  But then I heard rather clearly, “Choose your level”.

I followed the robotic voice to the room of my 5yr old daughter.  I saw a warm glow coming from the room and heard whispered words from my daughter, “Shhhhhh……..you’re going to get me in trouble.” 

I pushed open the door to find my 5yr old daughter scrambling to hide something under her pillow while pulling her blankets up at the same time.  Only, the dozens of stuffed animals at the end of her bed managed to keep the blankets just below her knees.

With her eyes wide open, she looked at me as if she had no idea why I was in her room.  Then as I got closer to her, she actually had the gumption to fake sleep.  Yes, you read that correctly.  We made direct eye contact………then fake sleeping took place.

She miraculously woke up as I lifted her pillow and gently pulled out her Leapster Explorer handheld game.  I gave her my best look of disappointment.  I’m sure it was as effective as every other day.    

I then gently pulled her blankets up to her chin and tucked her back in.

As I walked out of the room, I heard her mumble, “I need to find out where that sound button is…….”

So yes, now I’m sure of it.  My look of disappointment must be very threatening.

Tonight my husband and I were hiding in my 6yr old daughter’s room.

No, I’m not kidding.

All the baths had been given, our bed was being jumped on by a 2yr old, so we ran to the nearest room on the same floor and kicked our feet back as we attempted to retell our day to each other.  We don’t get out that often, but we do make ample attempts to hide from our children.  They just never seem to work out.

Within seconds, our 2yr old Sherlock Holmes found us.  She then proceeded to take advantage of the play kitchen and tea set in the room and opened a pretend coffee shop.

She spent about ten minutes hollering at us to “DWINK YOUS COFFEE”.  If we didn’t drink it fast enough or extend our deepest thanks upon receiving the hot cups, she added some finger pointing and a lot of disappointed head shaking with what sounded like Russian spoken mumblings. 

At one point my husband was laughing so hard he couldn’t muffle it anymore.  That’s when she gave him a stern look with a finger extended out like ET and asked, “YOUS LAUGHIN AT MYS COFFEE POT?”  And before he could defend himself she added, “NO MO COFFEE FO YOU!”.

I quietly added, “and no soup for you”, as I began laughing so hard I nearly feel off the bed.

To which our miniature house chef quickly shifted her feet and her mood, and with a wide smile asked, “Soup?  Yous want soup?  Ok.  I get it for you.  Wait wight there.”

After we graciously polished off our warm cups of soup, we quickly realized we didn’t manage to get a single word of adult conversation in.  That thought cued our remaining three rugrats to make their way into the newly established coffee & soup shop in the house.

Oh well, I guess whether we manage to get out of the house, out of our room, or just dine in……at least we can get coffee soup served hot with a smile.

“Mom, I think I have a tooth coming in.”

“Mom, it feels like three teeth, but it’s only one.”

“Mom, do you think other first graders are getting their molars in?  Or am I the first one?”

“Mom, the tooth I showed you is on my right side….which is your left side….but it’s my right side.  Isn’t that weird?”

“Mom, it is REALLY BOTHERING ME.  I don’t like my gum flapping.”

“Mom, do you think my molar tooth will push my gums so far forward that it will end up in the front of my mouth?  That would look really weird.”…..followed by shrieks and tears that her molar tooth growing in will result in her looking like a monster.

“Mom, do you have a flashlight?  Can you look in the back of my mouth again and tell me if the tooth is all the way in?  It feels different from a second ago.”

“Mom, do you only get molars on the top of your mouth?  This tooth coming in is on the top of my mouth.  So if you only get molars on the bottom of your mouth, we have a problem.”

“Mom…………is it in yet?  Can you see the whole thing?”

She discovered her tooth coming through at about 6pm tonight.  She asked all of these questions, including the pause for dramatic cries about the possibility of turning into a werewolf, by 6:22pm.

I’m just glad it’s her first molar making its appearance…….the fun has just begun.

I have not stopped eating for three days.  And I’m not kidding.  As I type this post,  I’m picking at a leftover raspberry tart that my mother conveniently forgot to take home with her tonight.  I’m sure it will be polished off by the morning…by the elves, of course.  Oh wait, Christmas Eve was last night.

Throughout the chaos and my excessive weight gain, the kids have made this Christmas magical.  Between the breakdowns and the crying and the whining and the screaming and the fighting……..oh wait, I was talking about the magical part.

Honestly, the kids really have made Christmas downright fun this year.  They have plotted Santa’s whereabouts for the last week.  Yesterday, my 5yr old daughter told me that Santa was probably wrapping her present because he always saves the best for last.  When I asked her how she knew she was the best, she answered very innocently, “Well, he doesn’t have very many options with all the bad kids out there.  You know, the ones saying words like ‘duh’. “

My 6yr old daughter has wanted to help me with EVERY SINGLE THING related to Christmas.  She asked from November 27th through December 25th if we had “any more Christmas stuff we could put up around the house?”  The decorating requests continued even after I gave the kid her very own Christmas tree in her bedroom and let her use wrapping paper as wallpaper.  I think I even broke down and pulled paper snowflakes out of my ass for her walls.  God love my 1st grade teacher who made about 100 of those for our classroom door.

My 9yr old son asked very few questions this year and instead chose to just “believe”…without saying much.  At times I found myself sad that Santa Claus might not ring true this year, but was pleasantly surprised this morning when he spoke with such excitement and sincerity about his love for good old St. Nick and the crafty ways he hides his presents.  His love for his sisters, however, not so heartfelt after he barricaded himself and his new legos into our sun room, blocking any and all entrances to children under the age of 9.

My 2yr old daughter may have taken the cake this year, calling Santa Claus “Ho Ho Ho”.  She told my husband and I repeatedly that she “sat on Ho Ho Ho’s lap” and “Ho Ho Ho gave me a candy cane”.  She jumped up and down with excitement everywhere we went, mastered the art of ripping open presents (even those that were not hers) and  yelled “THANK YOU” to anyone who was within a foot of her and a recently unwrapped present.

All and all, I’ll take it……………..and the spirit of the season within me into 2012.

I can only hope my 6yr old daughter is as enthusiastic about taking down the decorations as she was about putting them up.

After a trying evening, I walked into the bathroom to find a note and piggy bank money on the counter from my 8yr old son.

I don’t think I’ll quit my day job anytime soon.

But in the meantime, I plan to wire these pennies to my Swiss bank account to collect interest.  In twenty years, these babies should add up to some serious coinage….15, 16cents?

The talking is my favorite part.  Something about pure darkness makes my kids think of just about anything from recaps of their day to random inventions they want to work through out loud. 

Like my 8yr old son who provided a play-by-play of his football game at recess…….”Then I dove and caught the ball, but they called it an incomplete pass, said it hit the ground first.  But I swear, IT DID NOT TOUCH THE GROUND, MOM!”  Or another favorite from my 5yr old daughter, “Maybe we could put a rice krispy treat on top of a brownie and then inside a piece of cake with candy on top.  Do you think we could make that tomorrow for breakfast?”

Tonight proved no different.  

As my 6yr old daughter pulled the cord of her lamp down, the lights went out, and out came, “Can people turn into things?”

“Like what?  Animals?  Monsters?   No, people can NOT turn into things”, I answered.

“Good, because I thought I was turning into a Barbie doll”, she said with a sigh relief.

“Why on earth did you think you were turning into a Barbie doll?, I had to ask.

“Because my hair felt like my Barbie doll’s hair.  I was combing my doll’s hair in the bathtub like forever, and I AM NOT KIDDING MOM, now MY hair feels JUST like hers.”  After a short pause, she added, “But if people can’t turn into things, then I’m fine with our hair feeling the same. ”

And so began the giggling of our bedtime routine………..