Remember when you became a parent for the first time? That overwhelming feeling of cluelessness that engulfed you both day and night? That fog you lived in for, I don’t know, two years or so?
From those days, are there certain memories that stuck with you? Maybe the first time your child laughed, the first time they slept through the night, their first steps? Fortunately, yes, I do remember most of those things – but one of my most VIVID memories from when B was a baby was of this true story that I hope you’ll find funny, albeit at my expense.
Let’s take ourselves back to when B was about 2 months old. I was going stir-crazy at home, so decided that it was time for us to leave the house.
I picked a small shopping mall that I knew would be fairly empty and packed all of my supplies – diapers, wipes, spare clothes, etc. – into the car. We started driving and had made it maybe three blocks before B started screaming. Sure enough, she was hungry.
We finally made it to the shopping center, where I parked far enough away from society to be able to feed her in the backseat without being arrested for indecent exposure. I got out of the car and assessed that she was not only hungry but also had a diaper blowout, which this Mama was NOT mentally prepared for on her first away-from-home excursion. But, alas, I put my big-girl pants on and dealt with it, even congratulating myself on how everything cleaned up pretty well.
Unfortunately, B didn’t enjoy being stripped of her warm clothes in the backseat of a car in the middle of winter, so she continued screaming her head off even after she was cleaned up.
Assuming that she was just hungry, I proceeded to feed her in the backseat, which at the time was an exceptionally difficult process that took about 45 minutes. Finally, we finish and B looks happy.
That lasts about 30 seconds.
Next thing I know, she’s barfing up everything she just drank, all over her new – and last, of course – set of clean clothes. I charge out of the car, launch everything that’s dirty into a nearby trash can, and turn around just in time to see a small crowd of people forming not too far from my car. A few of them were laughing, a couple were whispering, and one was actually pointing – but the one constant there was that they were all staring at the same thing: me.
Finally, one of the young men in the group called out to me, “Are you OK, miss?”
Many, many thoughts ran through my mind at that moment, but instead of yelling/sobbing/telling the truth, I simply responded, “I’m fine, thanks! Why do you ask?”
“Well, miss,” said the man. “It seems like you forgot to put back on your shirt.”
Sure enough, he was right. And as I looked up and surveyed exactly how many people had witnessed this, I noticed that two of the mall’s security cameras were pointed directed at me too – so SOMEBODY was having a really good day. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t me…